"Over you"

I know I have been seriously neglecting this blog lately, but I have been busy with my last 3 classes until graduation. I also made a spontaneous trip home to the UP this past weekend and got to catch up with family and friends. It was nice.

While I was up there my friend, Tara had mentioned Miranda Lambert's new song "over you" and that it reminded her of our friend Shannon,who passed away over a year ago to a bursting brain aneurysm. I have heard the song many times and liked it but I guess I never really payed much attention to the words until recently. The song was written for Miranda's husband, Blake Shelton, who's brother died in a car accident. Well, I heard this song on my way back downstate Monday morning and cried pretty hard.

This song pretty much puts some of my thoughts about death into perspective. Not death all together, but when a young person dies too soon. It reminds me of my friend and my brother, but has a different meaning for each one of them.

When I hear this song and think of my brother and hear the part "You went away. How dare you?" I think about how he made his own choice to leave us behind.

Then when I think of Shannon I feel sad because I miss her and it was just way too soon for her to go.

Here's the video with the lyrics:

I'm back from being MIA

Sorry I have been MIA for the past few weeks. I've been super busy. I finished up my classes and started my last 3 until I graduate. I also started substitute teaching which happened to have gotten me sick with strep throat all week. Little kids coughing and sneezing on you and passing on their germ is not fun. Not fun at all.


Today my brother has been gone for 2 years and 5 months. Its hard to believe it has been that long but at the same time it seems like a really long 2 years and 5 months. I have been thinking of my brother a lot today because it is a Thursday and it also falls on the 15th this month (he passed away on Thursday, October 15th). On days like today, I feel a little down because I miss him so much. I always try to keep optimistic  when it comes to my thoughts about Brandon, but I still have the days where I feel so sad. Another reason that I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately is because some of the younger boys at school remind me of him.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have recently started subbing. I sub for grades k-12. I have only subbed in the High School twice since I started but both times, I have thought of my Brother. Some of the students remind me of him and some make me wonder, are they going through hard times too? You can never tell, but I know how harsh kids can be to each other in High School. Of course it isn't just high school where students are harsh, there can be bullies in all grades. I think that I think of my brother's situation because these students are in the same adolescent age where they have to make big choices about college or different paths, some might have a hard time deciding where they fit in. I have realized that I would definitely love to talk to students about suicide as a preventative measure and I hope that I can help make a difference in their lives one day. When the time is right, I would love to use this blog and my story in the classrooms at schools to help prevent suicide.

If he had known..

Even though I believe that my brother is in a better place, I think he regrets doing what he did. Not because he isn't here anymore but because how badly he hurt everyone. I know he is gone and there is nothing that can be done now, but his family and friends still miss him dearly and have a hard time dealing with him being gone.
Brandon would not have wanted to leave my grandparents or father with the burden of finding him dead in their basement. They have to live with that vision for the rest of their lives. How they survived that heartache, I will never know. I have a hard enough time dealing with his death and I didn't even find him dead.
It has hurt me to see how heart broken my family and some of Brandon's friends are from what he did. I know he didn't mean to hurt everyone. He wasn't thinking how it would effect all of us. He just wanted to end his pain and turmoil that he had been feeling. We all know that when we deal with different types of heartache while growing up, that it takes time to heal. Then we look back at those situations, we are relieved that we made it through what we did.
Everyone who loved Brandon still has those days where we cry and miss him. I know I have had a lot of those days since October 2009. Most of those days followed in the first year of him being gone. I still get them, just not as frequently. Anything can set off those days, whether it is a song that reminds me of him or looking at a picture.
If Brandon would have known how badly he would hurt everyone, I think he would have done differently. He couldn't see past his suicide. He didn't think of the consequences of it. 
Brandon didn't mean to hurt everyone. If someone would have told him the damage he would cause by doing what he did, he would have questioned his decision.

The last time I seen my brother alive

The last time that I seen my brother alive was the day that I left to move down state to start my new job. I do not remember much but we were in my grandparent's kitchen. Brandon was making himself something to eat. Brandon loved to eat. I remember my dad use to yell at him because he would spend all his money on food (you're probably picturing a fat kid right now, but Brandon was far from fat). If I had known that was my last time seeing him, I would have said and done so much more . That's the thing, I didn't know I would never get to see him alive again.

A few weeks prior to this time though, Brandon had called me to see if I wanted to go stay the night out at our Uncle's cabin on Johnshon's Lake in Eckerman. It was Labor day weekend and it had always been kind of a tradition for some of our family to go camping. When he called to ask me, I didn't even hesitate. Normally, I would have had other things going on or busy with something else. The next morning, I met him and Leah out at my grandparents so that we could go for a night or 2. I had a good time that weekend. I got to spend some time with Brandon and Leah, but mostly with my other family because you know how teens are. I was too old for them to hang out with. We only ended up staying for one night, but I thought that weekend had brought me a little closer to Brandon. I liked his company and hanging out with him. I will never forget that weekend and the time I got to spend with him.  I can always picture Brandon sleeping in my passenger seat on the way home that weekend. I picture him with his dirty dusty swim trunks on. I will always cherish that last time out at Johnson's Lake. This was the first time since I had lived at home where we spent more than a few hours together.I had thought that it was the beginning of us starting to hang out more.

I have become better at making time for my family since Brandon's death. They are the most important thing and you need them as much as they need you. I do not want to look back and regret not spending enough time with them, like I do with Brandon. I always wish that I would have been closer to him and drilled him with questions like I now do with Jenna and James. His death has brought some of my family members closer, its too bad that it took something like this to make that happen.


A picture of us when we were kids out at Johnson's lake; Tara, Me, Brandon, and cousin Dillon

Signs kick..

I've been on a "signs" kick lately and wanted to share a few more stories that involve my younger cousins Aedan and Hudson, who are now 6 and 3. I haven't been posting much about suicide lately but these stories are important for the ones that have suffered this type of loss by giving them a sense of comfort.

Aedan and Hudson are my Aunt Holly's boys. They were 4 and 1 at the time my brother had passed. The day following my brother's death Aedan was curious why everyone was so sad. Tara had stayed the night at their house the night Brandon had died. Aedan kept asking my Aunt "Why are you sad, mom?" and wanted to know why she and everyone else was crying. She would tell him she was sad about Brandon and that he was no longer here with us. Aedan had responded to her saying "Mom, Don't worry about Brandon. Those angels came down from heaven and took him". We all know that a four year old has a hard time grasping the concept of someone dying. For him to say this was quite shocking for all of us. Sure,  my aunt had brought him to church but they didn't go on a regular basis at that time. One of the times that they did go after Brandon passed, Aedan had pointed at one of the Saint statues in the church and said "That is one of the ones that came down and got Brandon". I can't remember the name of the Saint at this time, but my grandma knows the name. There were times after Brandon died that Aedan would get sad and cry and tell my aunt that he was missing Brandon. My grandma had talked these incidents with someone that she knew from the church and they told her that for Aedan to have said what he did at such a young age, someone would have had to show him.

Hudson was only 1at the time when Brandon died. When we would show him a picture of Brandon, he would point at it and say "B. Happy" then he would kiss the picture. The first time we seen him do this, our eyes filled up with tears. This happened within the first after Brandon passing. He would point at his grave site and say the same thing "B. Happpppy"

I don't know how they knew these things but they had to have picked it up from some where. I'm not sure if Brandon was the one who went to them and some how showed them these things to relay the information to help us, but I feel like it was another one of his signs for us.

What happens when you die?

Ever wonder what happens when we die? I kind of got obsessed with wanting to know what happens, but the answer is, no one really knows.
 So I just bought a book off amazon written by John Edward called "Crossing Over". The price of the book was 10.17 (my birth date) so I figured that was my sign that I should purchase it. There are stories from people that have experienced life after death in this book. John Edward, the writer, is a psychic medium who can supposedly communicate with the deceased. I'll let you know what I gain from it after I finish reading it.

I believe in god and after life, but its the fact that I do not know what happens that scares me. After Brandon and my friend Shannon passed away, I wondered what happened to them. Do their spirits wander around us or is there another world in which they live a.k.a Heaven? Do they become ghosts or do they become guardian angels?

Well I am going to share a story that is proof that there is another world around us, which we do not see. I do not think what I seen or experienced is a good thing but I wanted to share because it still amazes me.

I was up in the UP, visiting about a year ago. Tara, James and I decided to go stay with my mom for the night. My sister, Jenna, had invited my cousins Taylor and Amber over, plus 2 of her friends Cody and Casey. I picked up my cousin Taylor to bring her with us. She had brought her new game wtih her that she was all excited about. It was called "Psychic Circle". As soon as I looked at it I was like "Um, you can't have that in my car". I was very skeptical about the game, as we all were. I didn't think it would be anything like a weegie board. I went out to the store to get a few things because I planned on staying at my mom's and hanging out all night. When I returned, Tara and Amber had started to mess with this psychic circle board. They were just asking it simple questions like; "What is my zodiac sign" or "What is my birthday". Surprisingly, it was answering them correctly. It was really strange though when they asked it how many people were in the house and it said "9". There were only 7 of us there at the time but later on it turned out to be 9. Crazy. My mom was like "you guys should not be playing with that game, so put it away".
Well several hours later, after Tara, My mom, and I had a few drinks I went up to see what was going on in Jenna's room with her friends. James had suggested they get the board back out and check it out. So Jenna,
Cody, Taylor, and Amber started playing it again. Cody was very skeptical and was like "this does not work". So his first question was "What is my name?" The thing replied really quickly spelling out C-O-D-Y. Then they asked it "Should we play you?" and it spelled out "Yes. Play." They asked how many of us were in the room and it told us 8. Which was correct. Then my mom came up to see what we were doing. They asked "How many of us are in the room now?" It said 9. Then they asked "Who just walked into the room?" It spelled out "M-O-M". Cody asked "Is Brandon with us tonight?" The board responded by going to the protector and guardian angel sign. There were a few other signs but I can't remember what they were exactly, but the board wouldn't give a straight answer. At this point we all were just in shock with what we were seeing. Whatever was making the board move seemed  to be getting mad because the cursor on the board was moving pretty fast at this point. No other questions were even asked before it started to spell out "Mom don't cry. New Life. Baby Emery". We were completely freaked out. The 4 playing the board were spinning around in a circle. It was complete craziness. A few of us got upset over this statement because baby Emery had just been born about a month prior. He was my first cousin's baby. I made the statement from the bible "Whatever is here, is no longer welcome here. In Jesus's name". Even though I had been drinking, I was very stern with this statement and stood behind my believes in it.
Oddly enough, they tried to get it to play again but it wouldn't. It kept spelling out "Goodbye" after they attempted to play it 3 more times. Talk about the creepiest thing that I have ever witnessed in my life. I was so freaked out. I'm not sure how I even slept that night.

That night, something proved to all 9 of us that there is a world that we can not see. Whatever it was that was communicating with us, was not good. In the bible it states that the dead are not suppose to communicate with us in that way. They can leave signs, but they are not suppose to speak to us in ways of using those types of boards. I do not think it was my brother. It was something evil trying to mess with us.

On another note, I would not advise trying one of these boards. They are completely creepy and let evil things in.I just wanted to share the story as proof that there is something else amongst us that we can not see or hear.

Positive Thinking

The only thing that brought me through Brandon's death was thinking positive and knowing he was in a better place, plus a few other things:

The months after his death, I was numb and it shock. I couldn't believe that it had happened. It was just hard to grasp. I went through feelings of depression and feelings of wanting to be gone just like he was. I don't think I was any where near suicidal, but I felt like if I were gone too, this would be so much easier to deal with. I had nights for months afterwards where I would wake up multiple times in the middle of the night. I never really slept good, so I always kept the TV on at night. Then when I started to sleep better, I started to have the nightmares. The nightmares were not about my brother, they were about what he did. Death alone scares me so suicide, was even scarier. The thought of what he did haunted me. It's hard to imagine how sad and hopeless one must feel to be so self-destructive. The things that made me feel better and get through this loss were; Running, working out, friends, family, wine, and constantly reminding myself that Brandon was in a better place.

I really do believe he is some where better. The first dream that I had of Brandon was almost 3 months following his death. In this dream, I was at a house full of his friends and our brother, James was there. I was afraid of Brandon and kept avoiding him during the beginning of this dream. I knew that I shouldn't be seeing him and it kind of scared me. He would just look up at me with a huge grin on his face and kept walking by me. I had even asked James "Do you see Brandon here too?" James looked at me like I was an idiot and replied "Yeah." Finally, I went up to Brandon and hugged him. I was crying pretty hard while he just held me. We sat down next to each other to talk. The only thing I remember from the conversation was asking Brandon while I was still crying "Don't you want to be back with us?" He said " No. It's okay. I get to see you guys all the time."

As sad as I was in the dream, when I woke up, I felt really happy. I felt like I finally knew he was happy and was still around us. This was his sign to me, amongst many other ones that he has given my family and I.

On All Saints Day, a day that followed a month after Brandon's death, my family went and prayed at Brandon's grave. They went there in the evening and lit a candle for him. This candle stayed lit for 2 days following that evening, through snow and wind. The candle was not even in a holder. How it stayed lit for that many days? I have no idea, but again, I think it was his sign to let us know that he was okay.

When I think of these events, they remind me that Brandon is okay and sorry for hurting us. We may not get to see him anymore, but his soul still lives amongst us.

Leah

Today I got to spend a few hours with Brandon's girlfriend, Leah, who he dated a for a year or 2 before he passed. It was really great to see her and chat with her. My finace's son, Keagan, had a few hockey games in Alpena, where Leah is now living and attending college.

Brandon loved Leah so much and she was a big part of his life. I always feel like Brandon wants me to get to know her and keep in touch with her. He's also left me a bit of a sign that it is what he wants because  where I have Leah's name stored in my phone, Brandon's picture always comes up next to it. I have had 3 or 4 different phones since he passed, and for each one, the picture STAYS by her name. If that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. Here's a few pictures of them:

Depression?

We all have different thoughts about why one commits suicide. Was it just a spur of the moment action? Or were they chronic sufferers of depression?

The first book that I read following Brandon's death was "Dying to Be Free"  which was co written by Beverly Cobain (mother of Kurt Cobain). This book pretty much ended my questions on whether or not Brandon did this action on impulse. Most people that commit suicide are suffering from depression, whether it has been a struggle for them all through life or a recent struggle. Before a person decides to take their life, they are in a tunnel of depression. They do not think about how taking their life is going to effect anyone, just that they need to do it.. They are thinking solely on the pain they feel and how they can get rid of it. People can be severely depressed, without the ones around them even knowing. They can come out of depression just as fast as they can fall back into it. They can go through cycles of depression through out their lives.

In retrospect, I now see that Brandon was depressed. Brandon threatened suicide when he was about 13 or 14. My grandma took him to counseling and that was about as far as treating Brandon's depression went. I definitely believe that Brandon went through the cycles of depression through most of his adolescent years. Did I think that he was depressed then? No, but looking back I can see that this is probably the case. I do not know if it is because I grew up with Brandon or because I know that our personalities have many similarities, that I can see reasons why he would be depressed? I know he was a very sensitive person, from the time that he was a baby. If my dad left the house with out him when he was a toddler, he would throw HUGE tantrums. He loved my dad very much and was always seeking his approval, which I don't think he ever did get. The rest of my siblings and I could just brush off my father's verbal abuse, but Brandon could not. (another story, another blog)

The only difference is, Brandon didn't endure the strength that I did. He couldn't see past his very first break-up or the pain he felt because of it. This obstacle in his life sent him right back into depression. When people fall in and out of depression, they know it is not a place where they want to return. (I read  this from "Dying to Be Free") Just because he suffered from depression does not mean that he was sick or crazy. He just went through long periods of feeling down or sad.

For Brandon to write a letter and succeed at taking his life, it could not have been just an impulse he had that day. He knew what he was doing and why. He told us in his letter. He knew it was a "permanent solution to a temporary problem"

If Brandon would have been able to seek help or see that things would have gotten better, maybe he would still be with us today. Suicide is not the only way out. I wish he would have known this.

Sibling Survivors

I recently came across another website, "Sibling Survivors of Suicide." It said that the siblings are considered to be secondary mourners compared to the parents. They are often forgotten about. I got these sibling facts from that site:

It’s the longest relationship we’ll have in our lives. We are typically only a few years apart when one is born and we become aware of each other. We usually know them longer than our parents, spouses, and children.

We witness more life events and life changes with our siblings than anyone else.

We share a sense of genetics, sense of family, belonging, and culture.

They teach us how to function in society and communicate with others.

The time spent together in our early years is greater than with our parents

Brandon left behind 4 siblings; Tara (24), Jenna (17), James (15), and myself. I often worry about Jenna and James because they are the youngest. I do not think that they talk about Brandon or suicide as much as they should to help them heal. I try to reach out to them and keep in constant contact with Jenna and James, but because of the age gap at this time, I don't think that they consider me to be "cool." With Brandon being their older brother, they might feel abandoned by him. I know Tara and I feel like that at times, but since they are younger, they probably feel it more. They looked up to him and I know they still hurt from this. We all grieve differently too. James found it comforting for a while to sleep in the basement at my grandparents. He would spend a lot of time down there, playing video games and what not. He said "he felt closer to Brandon being down there." I'm not sure that he still does this. Brandon spent a lot of time with his younger siblings, especially since they were all still living at home. Well James lives with his mom, but Brandon still would be there with James a lot. I want my siblings to feel included in this blog, so that they know they are not alone. The one thing that all of us do have in common, is that we keep our feelings to ourselves. I can talk openly about Brandon's death to some, but it is easier to talk to some one that understands. In the first year of his death, I would talk about him a lot. Now, I feel like I shut down and am not so open about it because I feel like people do not want to hear about this sad part of my life. Or I feel bad because I make them sad talking about it. Brandon's initials are tattooed on my wrist, to me this is a constant reminder of him and I think it has actually helped me in this healing process. People always ask me what it stands for, so I tell them, but I some days, I will say that my brother died because of an "accident." I still feel guarded about this part of my life and I think that I will always feel that way in a sense. It is a "normal" feeling from what I have read.

On another note, if anyone feels like sharing stories, feel free to leave comments or to e-mail me. I would even be happy to post your stories on the blog and I could keep it anonymous for you. I have received a few e-mails from people that would also like to help, so never hesitate to get a hold of me.

I figured that I would just post some pictures of Brandon for today.

What is a survivor of suicide?

"Time heals all wounds is not necessarily true for survivors of suicide. Time is necessary for healing, but time is not enough. Shared feelings enrich and lead to growth and healing"

A survivor of suicide is an individual who has lost someone in their life to suicide.
I didn't even know that this title even existed until I attended a Survivor of suicide support group. I went to this support group about 6 months following my brother's death. I found the group to be helpful because everyone there was going through the same exact thing. Some of the losses to suicide were recent, some were up to 8 years ago. I only went to the group one time and I am not sure if I will go back to one or not. I maybe was not ready at the time when I went because it was really sad and I think I might have cried the whole entire time that I was there. There is also a Survivors of Suicide website where you can get information and locate local support groups. Maybe one day I will attend another group.

Brandon's funeral services were the next Monday and Tuesday following his death. These days were also a complete blur to me. I do remember though that my heart was breaking over and over again from seeing how hurt the rest of my family was. My parents, grandparents, aunts, and cousins were all completely heartbroken and devastated.  My mom did not even move from the couch that was next to my brother's open casket. I think that a lot of my other family was right by there too, but I can't even remember. I, myself was completely numb and in shock. It was a living nightmare. Brandon did not even look like himself in his casket. He was gone. I remember thinking that it is just his body laying there, he is no longer here, when I looked at him. I found it hard to be by him at his viewing and kept my distance for the most part. His funeral service was perfect and was at the same church where I made my first Communion. Brandon was buried in the grave yard across the road from my grandparents next to Kinross Lake. I must have ran by that same grave yard over a 100 times before and never once thought that my brother would be layed to rest there one day.

The pain really set in after Brandon's funeral services. Going from always being surrounded by people to trying to go on with life, is seriously the worst part. The first year after the death is suppose to be the worst and I would definitely agree with that. I would often lose myself in a bottle of wine, read Brandon's e-mails, and look at his pictures. I was obsessed with finding a reason for why he did what he did.

A few months after his death, I  started having really bad nightmares about Brandon hanging himself and even other people that I knew doing the same thing. Being five hours away from home, I had a break down and needed to spend time at home with my family. That is how I ended up being a the support group. I didn't want to go to counseling, I already knew that what I was feeling was normal and part of the process. I didn't need some stranger to tell me that. The only thing that helped me feel better when I was down or depressed about my brother, was to be with my family or close friends. Feeling down or depressed happened very often in the first year. I found myself only wanting to be around the people that understood what I was going through, which was mostly my family. I made the trip home at least once a month, if not more. When I look back at these days in the first year of my brother being gone, I know for certain that I have come a very long way. And I definitely did not think I would be writing about it to help others.

I am very happy with my decision to write. I just posted my link to my blog yesterday and it already has already has had over 200 views. I was unsure how people would react or if they would even read it, so far I am very pleased with the outcome.

There is ALWAYS some one that cares

I did not get any sleep that night I found out about Brandon. The phone calls from my mom, dad, and sister made the news more realistic to me. We just sat on the phone and cried. The next morning, I drove the 5 hours home. This was a blur to me, but the phone calls, texts, and facebook messages that I was getting, made me realize that it really did happen. As I got closer to home, my anxiety intensified. My grandparent's house had always been home to me, but now it had just became the place where my brother took his life. I hate to say that, but I can never walk through the door of their house again without thinking about what happened there. It broke my heart even more to see my family in tears. We just couldn't grasp "why?"

The morning we went to the funeral home to make arrangements, it was the day of my 25th birthday. I think everyone in my family, including myself were like walking zombies. I had never felt so worn down and emotionally exhausted. My mom and dad were trying to decide on a coffin in the basement with the rest of the family and I nearly fainted because it was just too much to take in. I almost vomited in the basement in the funeral home, so I needed to get out of there.

My very good friend, Shannon had wanted to do something for me because it was my birthday regardless of the circumstances. She had my closest friends over to her house with food and drinks. It was kind of a relief to get away and try to do something "normal" that weekend. I'm very grateful for her and my other close friends that were there for me at this time. It's hard to find those friends that will drop everything just to be there for you. My child hood friends, Desi and Dani did just that. Dani called into work just so she could make it home. Desi had a 2 month old baby and was still there for me at the drop of a hat. She let me stay with her and sleep in her bed for a whole week straight. These kind of friendships are irreplaceable.

Even with the company of my family and friends, I still a woke in the middle of the night to my reality and cried myself  back to sleep for at least a week straight. I knew my life wouldn't ever go back to "normal", but I had to go back to living my life with an emptiness that will never be filled.

I remember being very defensive and protective about my brother's death, I still can be that way. I did not like how people gossiped and said "oh he killed himself over a girl" or "he had a really hard life growing up". Brandon did not just take his life because of a break-up. People that commit suicide do not just kill themselves over one event. Can one event push them to that point? Yes, but its a build up of numerous things that happen to them. He felt helpless and that he had no one to turn to. He felt like he couldn't deal with his problems and that no one was there to help him. He did feel like he lost the only person that was ever proud of him. He felt lost, He did not know where he belonged and did know where he fit in. I know for 100% fact that Brandon felt this way because I've read about it in his own words.

I hope no one ever has to feel this way. I hope that they can turn to someone to to talk to and find other solutions to their problems. Brandon was very important to all of his family and friends. He was a great person who could have done anything with his life. We all love and supported Brandon, its too bad that he didn't see it. That's what hurts the most, He didn't know how much everyone loved and cared about him. As one of Brandon's classmates wrote "When I seen your family, they were heartbroken more than the heartbreak that I saw when I looked at you on Thursday".

2 years, 3months, and 5 days later, our family still lives with the heartbreak of losing Brandon. He has many friends that love and miss him too. We miss him dearly. I know I wish that he would be here for my wedding and to be the uncle to my children one day. Taking your life is not worth hurting all the people in it and leaving them behind with pain and heartache of such a significant loss.

Reason for starting my blog

I have been trying to find a way to help others cope with losing a loved one from suicide. As a future Health Educator, I would also love to be an advocate for suicide prevention. I decided to start this blog so that I could use my own thoughts and experiences with suicide, to try to reach out to others. It will also help me get my thoughts out there, because I do feel like no one understands what I have been through or what I am still going through. You can not just "move on" and get over something like the death of a loved one from suicide. Suicide is a different type of grief for many people, mainly because you are left with feeling like"why?' or with feelings of guilt. There is also a stigma that goes with suicide, where people feel ashamed to talk about it or people look at it negatively because my brother is dead because he didn't want to live. They do not realize that people feel alone and feel like they have no one to talk to. Suicide happens when you least expect it and it can happen to any family.


I'll begin with telling you about what happened on October 15th, 2009.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and when I think of it, I get this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that goes along with the memory. I had just moved to St. Clair Shores, MI. to start a new chapter in my life and work as a personal trainer. I had only been working at my new job for just over 3 weeks. October 15th fell on a Thursday that year. I remember going about my day as I had each day for the 3 weeks prior. I had a very good day at work and was pleased with how it went. I was staying with a friend of my grandparents until I could get settled in at my new job and find an apartment. I got home after 7 pm that evening and had a night planned of relaxing and watching Grey's Anatomy. I was doing just that when the daughter of the lady that I was staying with came over around 10 that night. I knew the daughter because she use to come up with her children to their cabin, which was located across the street from my grandparents house. So, I didn't find it odd that she was there or that she was wanting to call my grandma, right away. She came in the house, was very calm and was like "We need to call your grandma". I was like "OK, we can call her?" I was a bit confused and was not expecting to get the news that I did. I dialed my grandparents number and asked "Why do we have to call my grandma?" She said "It's about your brother. There is bad news" I do not remember if I even said "Hello" to my grandma on the phone or what was said but the only thing I remember hearing was her saying " Your brother hung himself tonight" It was like a million punches in the stomach. I couldn't breath and the only thing I could blurt out was "What, Why?"
I was in absolute disbelief. I just wanted to get in my car and go home. I was blind sided by this. I would have never thought my brother, Brandon, would do something like this. In my mind, I thought he was happy and had things figured out for himself. I stayed up that whole entire night crying and feeling helpless. I was the most heart broken I had ever been my entire life and could not imagine my life without ever being able to see Brandon again.  He was only 19 and had his whole life in front of him. He had a very pretty girlfriend, Leah, and he had plans to go to linesmen school in Georgia.

There is not a day that I do not think of Brandon. Not a day goes by where I don't feel the gut wrenching feelings of sadness or guilt. Guilt is the number one thing that constantly fills my emotions. Why couldn't I have helped him? Why was I not there like I was suppose to be?

The one thing that I have learned from this, that is for certain, is that I never want to feel this way again. Every time I hear about a young person ending their lives, it breaks my heart, for them and for their families. If I can reach out to people, even one person, so that their family will never have to go through what mine did, I will be satisfied. If I can help others cope with this type of loss, to know that they are not alone and that it is okay to talk about suicide, I will be grateful.

So my blogging has begun, I will share more stories about what I have been going through since my brother's death. They will not all be this sad and depressing. I might even share more stories about myself because "I am a survivor of suicide." and want to help others cope or to realize it is not worth it to hurt all your family and friends. Things do get better.