Positive Thinking

The only thing that brought me through Brandon's death was thinking positive and knowing he was in a better place, plus a few other things:

The months after his death, I was numb and it shock. I couldn't believe that it had happened. It was just hard to grasp. I went through feelings of depression and feelings of wanting to be gone just like he was. I don't think I was any where near suicidal, but I felt like if I were gone too, this would be so much easier to deal with. I had nights for months afterwards where I would wake up multiple times in the middle of the night. I never really slept good, so I always kept the TV on at night. Then when I started to sleep better, I started to have the nightmares. The nightmares were not about my brother, they were about what he did. Death alone scares me so suicide, was even scarier. The thought of what he did haunted me. It's hard to imagine how sad and hopeless one must feel to be so self-destructive. The things that made me feel better and get through this loss were; Running, working out, friends, family, wine, and constantly reminding myself that Brandon was in a better place.

I really do believe he is some where better. The first dream that I had of Brandon was almost 3 months following his death. In this dream, I was at a house full of his friends and our brother, James was there. I was afraid of Brandon and kept avoiding him during the beginning of this dream. I knew that I shouldn't be seeing him and it kind of scared me. He would just look up at me with a huge grin on his face and kept walking by me. I had even asked James "Do you see Brandon here too?" James looked at me like I was an idiot and replied "Yeah." Finally, I went up to Brandon and hugged him. I was crying pretty hard while he just held me. We sat down next to each other to talk. The only thing I remember from the conversation was asking Brandon while I was still crying "Don't you want to be back with us?" He said " No. It's okay. I get to see you guys all the time."

As sad as I was in the dream, when I woke up, I felt really happy. I felt like I finally knew he was happy and was still around us. This was his sign to me, amongst many other ones that he has given my family and I.

On All Saints Day, a day that followed a month after Brandon's death, my family went and prayed at Brandon's grave. They went there in the evening and lit a candle for him. This candle stayed lit for 2 days following that evening, through snow and wind. The candle was not even in a holder. How it stayed lit for that many days? I have no idea, but again, I think it was his sign to let us know that he was okay.

When I think of these events, they remind me that Brandon is okay and sorry for hurting us. We may not get to see him anymore, but his soul still lives amongst us.