Depression?

We all have different thoughts about why one commits suicide. Was it just a spur of the moment action? Or were they chronic sufferers of depression?

The first book that I read following Brandon's death was "Dying to Be Free"  which was co written by Beverly Cobain (mother of Kurt Cobain). This book pretty much ended my questions on whether or not Brandon did this action on impulse. Most people that commit suicide are suffering from depression, whether it has been a struggle for them all through life or a recent struggle. Before a person decides to take their life, they are in a tunnel of depression. They do not think about how taking their life is going to effect anyone, just that they need to do it.. They are thinking solely on the pain they feel and how they can get rid of it. People can be severely depressed, without the ones around them even knowing. They can come out of depression just as fast as they can fall back into it. They can go through cycles of depression through out their lives.

In retrospect, I now see that Brandon was depressed. Brandon threatened suicide when he was about 13 or 14. My grandma took him to counseling and that was about as far as treating Brandon's depression went. I definitely believe that Brandon went through the cycles of depression through most of his adolescent years. Did I think that he was depressed then? No, but looking back I can see that this is probably the case. I do not know if it is because I grew up with Brandon or because I know that our personalities have many similarities, that I can see reasons why he would be depressed? I know he was a very sensitive person, from the time that he was a baby. If my dad left the house with out him when he was a toddler, he would throw HUGE tantrums. He loved my dad very much and was always seeking his approval, which I don't think he ever did get. The rest of my siblings and I could just brush off my father's verbal abuse, but Brandon could not. (another story, another blog)

The only difference is, Brandon didn't endure the strength that I did. He couldn't see past his very first break-up or the pain he felt because of it. This obstacle in his life sent him right back into depression. When people fall in and out of depression, they know it is not a place where they want to return. (I read  this from "Dying to Be Free") Just because he suffered from depression does not mean that he was sick or crazy. He just went through long periods of feeling down or sad.

For Brandon to write a letter and succeed at taking his life, it could not have been just an impulse he had that day. He knew what he was doing and why. He told us in his letter. He knew it was a "permanent solution to a temporary problem"

If Brandon would have been able to seek help or see that things would have gotten better, maybe he would still be with us today. Suicide is not the only way out. I wish he would have known this.