Reason for starting my blog

I have been trying to find a way to help others cope with losing a loved one from suicide. As a future Health Educator, I would also love to be an advocate for suicide prevention. I decided to start this blog so that I could use my own thoughts and experiences with suicide, to try to reach out to others. It will also help me get my thoughts out there, because I do feel like no one understands what I have been through or what I am still going through. You can not just "move on" and get over something like the death of a loved one from suicide. Suicide is a different type of grief for many people, mainly because you are left with feeling like"why?' or with feelings of guilt. There is also a stigma that goes with suicide, where people feel ashamed to talk about it or people look at it negatively because my brother is dead because he didn't want to live. They do not realize that people feel alone and feel like they have no one to talk to. Suicide happens when you least expect it and it can happen to any family.


I'll begin with telling you about what happened on October 15th, 2009.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and when I think of it, I get this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that goes along with the memory. I had just moved to St. Clair Shores, MI. to start a new chapter in my life and work as a personal trainer. I had only been working at my new job for just over 3 weeks. October 15th fell on a Thursday that year. I remember going about my day as I had each day for the 3 weeks prior. I had a very good day at work and was pleased with how it went. I was staying with a friend of my grandparents until I could get settled in at my new job and find an apartment. I got home after 7 pm that evening and had a night planned of relaxing and watching Grey's Anatomy. I was doing just that when the daughter of the lady that I was staying with came over around 10 that night. I knew the daughter because she use to come up with her children to their cabin, which was located across the street from my grandparents house. So, I didn't find it odd that she was there or that she was wanting to call my grandma, right away. She came in the house, was very calm and was like "We need to call your grandma". I was like "OK, we can call her?" I was a bit confused and was not expecting to get the news that I did. I dialed my grandparents number and asked "Why do we have to call my grandma?" She said "It's about your brother. There is bad news" I do not remember if I even said "Hello" to my grandma on the phone or what was said but the only thing I remember hearing was her saying " Your brother hung himself tonight" It was like a million punches in the stomach. I couldn't breath and the only thing I could blurt out was "What, Why?"
I was in absolute disbelief. I just wanted to get in my car and go home. I was blind sided by this. I would have never thought my brother, Brandon, would do something like this. In my mind, I thought he was happy and had things figured out for himself. I stayed up that whole entire night crying and feeling helpless. I was the most heart broken I had ever been my entire life and could not imagine my life without ever being able to see Brandon again.  He was only 19 and had his whole life in front of him. He had a very pretty girlfriend, Leah, and he had plans to go to linesmen school in Georgia.

There is not a day that I do not think of Brandon. Not a day goes by where I don't feel the gut wrenching feelings of sadness or guilt. Guilt is the number one thing that constantly fills my emotions. Why couldn't I have helped him? Why was I not there like I was suppose to be?

The one thing that I have learned from this, that is for certain, is that I never want to feel this way again. Every time I hear about a young person ending their lives, it breaks my heart, for them and for their families. If I can reach out to people, even one person, so that their family will never have to go through what mine did, I will be satisfied. If I can help others cope with this type of loss, to know that they are not alone and that it is okay to talk about suicide, I will be grateful.

So my blogging has begun, I will share more stories about what I have been going through since my brother's death. They will not all be this sad and depressing. I might even share more stories about myself because "I am a survivor of suicide." and want to help others cope or to realize it is not worth it to hurt all your family and friends. Things do get better.