There is ALWAYS some one that cares

I did not get any sleep that night I found out about Brandon. The phone calls from my mom, dad, and sister made the news more realistic to me. We just sat on the phone and cried. The next morning, I drove the 5 hours home. This was a blur to me, but the phone calls, texts, and facebook messages that I was getting, made me realize that it really did happen. As I got closer to home, my anxiety intensified. My grandparent's house had always been home to me, but now it had just became the place where my brother took his life. I hate to say that, but I can never walk through the door of their house again without thinking about what happened there. It broke my heart even more to see my family in tears. We just couldn't grasp "why?"

The morning we went to the funeral home to make arrangements, it was the day of my 25th birthday. I think everyone in my family, including myself were like walking zombies. I had never felt so worn down and emotionally exhausted. My mom and dad were trying to decide on a coffin in the basement with the rest of the family and I nearly fainted because it was just too much to take in. I almost vomited in the basement in the funeral home, so I needed to get out of there.

My very good friend, Shannon had wanted to do something for me because it was my birthday regardless of the circumstances. She had my closest friends over to her house with food and drinks. It was kind of a relief to get away and try to do something "normal" that weekend. I'm very grateful for her and my other close friends that were there for me at this time. It's hard to find those friends that will drop everything just to be there for you. My child hood friends, Desi and Dani did just that. Dani called into work just so she could make it home. Desi had a 2 month old baby and was still there for me at the drop of a hat. She let me stay with her and sleep in her bed for a whole week straight. These kind of friendships are irreplaceable.

Even with the company of my family and friends, I still a woke in the middle of the night to my reality and cried myself  back to sleep for at least a week straight. I knew my life wouldn't ever go back to "normal", but I had to go back to living my life with an emptiness that will never be filled.

I remember being very defensive and protective about my brother's death, I still can be that way. I did not like how people gossiped and said "oh he killed himself over a girl" or "he had a really hard life growing up". Brandon did not just take his life because of a break-up. People that commit suicide do not just kill themselves over one event. Can one event push them to that point? Yes, but its a build up of numerous things that happen to them. He felt helpless and that he had no one to turn to. He felt like he couldn't deal with his problems and that no one was there to help him. He did feel like he lost the only person that was ever proud of him. He felt lost, He did not know where he belonged and did know where he fit in. I know for 100% fact that Brandon felt this way because I've read about it in his own words.

I hope no one ever has to feel this way. I hope that they can turn to someone to to talk to and find other solutions to their problems. Brandon was very important to all of his family and friends. He was a great person who could have done anything with his life. We all love and supported Brandon, its too bad that he didn't see it. That's what hurts the most, He didn't know how much everyone loved and cared about him. As one of Brandon's classmates wrote "When I seen your family, they were heartbroken more than the heartbreak that I saw when I looked at you on Thursday".

2 years, 3months, and 5 days later, our family still lives with the heartbreak of losing Brandon. He has many friends that love and miss him too. We miss him dearly. I know I wish that he would be here for my wedding and to be the uncle to my children one day. Taking your life is not worth hurting all the people in it and leaving them behind with pain and heartache of such a significant loss.