What is a survivor of suicide?

"Time heals all wounds is not necessarily true for survivors of suicide. Time is necessary for healing, but time is not enough. Shared feelings enrich and lead to growth and healing"

A survivor of suicide is an individual who has lost someone in their life to suicide.
I didn't even know that this title even existed until I attended a Survivor of suicide support group. I went to this support group about 6 months following my brother's death. I found the group to be helpful because everyone there was going through the same exact thing. Some of the losses to suicide were recent, some were up to 8 years ago. I only went to the group one time and I am not sure if I will go back to one or not. I maybe was not ready at the time when I went because it was really sad and I think I might have cried the whole entire time that I was there. There is also a Survivors of Suicide website where you can get information and locate local support groups. Maybe one day I will attend another group.

Brandon's funeral services were the next Monday and Tuesday following his death. These days were also a complete blur to me. I do remember though that my heart was breaking over and over again from seeing how hurt the rest of my family was. My parents, grandparents, aunts, and cousins were all completely heartbroken and devastated.  My mom did not even move from the couch that was next to my brother's open casket. I think that a lot of my other family was right by there too, but I can't even remember. I, myself was completely numb and in shock. It was a living nightmare. Brandon did not even look like himself in his casket. He was gone. I remember thinking that it is just his body laying there, he is no longer here, when I looked at him. I found it hard to be by him at his viewing and kept my distance for the most part. His funeral service was perfect and was at the same church where I made my first Communion. Brandon was buried in the grave yard across the road from my grandparents next to Kinross Lake. I must have ran by that same grave yard over a 100 times before and never once thought that my brother would be layed to rest there one day.

The pain really set in after Brandon's funeral services. Going from always being surrounded by people to trying to go on with life, is seriously the worst part. The first year after the death is suppose to be the worst and I would definitely agree with that. I would often lose myself in a bottle of wine, read Brandon's e-mails, and look at his pictures. I was obsessed with finding a reason for why he did what he did.

A few months after his death, I  started having really bad nightmares about Brandon hanging himself and even other people that I knew doing the same thing. Being five hours away from home, I had a break down and needed to spend time at home with my family. That is how I ended up being a the support group. I didn't want to go to counseling, I already knew that what I was feeling was normal and part of the process. I didn't need some stranger to tell me that. The only thing that helped me feel better when I was down or depressed about my brother, was to be with my family or close friends. Feeling down or depressed happened very often in the first year. I found myself only wanting to be around the people that understood what I was going through, which was mostly my family. I made the trip home at least once a month, if not more. When I look back at these days in the first year of my brother being gone, I know for certain that I have come a very long way. And I definitely did not think I would be writing about it to help others.

I am very happy with my decision to write. I just posted my link to my blog yesterday and it already has already has had over 200 views. I was unsure how people would react or if they would even read it, so far I am very pleased with the outcome.