Leah

Today I got to spend a few hours with Brandon's girlfriend, Leah, who he dated a for a year or 2 before he passed. It was really great to see her and chat with her. My finace's son, Keagan, had a few hockey games in Alpena, where Leah is now living and attending college.

Brandon loved Leah so much and she was a big part of his life. I always feel like Brandon wants me to get to know her and keep in touch with her. He's also left me a bit of a sign that it is what he wants because  where I have Leah's name stored in my phone, Brandon's picture always comes up next to it. I have had 3 or 4 different phones since he passed, and for each one, the picture STAYS by her name. If that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. Here's a few pictures of them:

Depression?

We all have different thoughts about why one commits suicide. Was it just a spur of the moment action? Or were they chronic sufferers of depression?

The first book that I read following Brandon's death was "Dying to Be Free"  which was co written by Beverly Cobain (mother of Kurt Cobain). This book pretty much ended my questions on whether or not Brandon did this action on impulse. Most people that commit suicide are suffering from depression, whether it has been a struggle for them all through life or a recent struggle. Before a person decides to take their life, they are in a tunnel of depression. They do not think about how taking their life is going to effect anyone, just that they need to do it.. They are thinking solely on the pain they feel and how they can get rid of it. People can be severely depressed, without the ones around them even knowing. They can come out of depression just as fast as they can fall back into it. They can go through cycles of depression through out their lives.

In retrospect, I now see that Brandon was depressed. Brandon threatened suicide when he was about 13 or 14. My grandma took him to counseling and that was about as far as treating Brandon's depression went. I definitely believe that Brandon went through the cycles of depression through most of his adolescent years. Did I think that he was depressed then? No, but looking back I can see that this is probably the case. I do not know if it is because I grew up with Brandon or because I know that our personalities have many similarities, that I can see reasons why he would be depressed? I know he was a very sensitive person, from the time that he was a baby. If my dad left the house with out him when he was a toddler, he would throw HUGE tantrums. He loved my dad very much and was always seeking his approval, which I don't think he ever did get. The rest of my siblings and I could just brush off my father's verbal abuse, but Brandon could not. (another story, another blog)

The only difference is, Brandon didn't endure the strength that I did. He couldn't see past his very first break-up or the pain he felt because of it. This obstacle in his life sent him right back into depression. When people fall in and out of depression, they know it is not a place where they want to return. (I read  this from "Dying to Be Free") Just because he suffered from depression does not mean that he was sick or crazy. He just went through long periods of feeling down or sad.

For Brandon to write a letter and succeed at taking his life, it could not have been just an impulse he had that day. He knew what he was doing and why. He told us in his letter. He knew it was a "permanent solution to a temporary problem"

If Brandon would have been able to seek help or see that things would have gotten better, maybe he would still be with us today. Suicide is not the only way out. I wish he would have known this.

Sibling Survivors

I recently came across another website, "Sibling Survivors of Suicide." It said that the siblings are considered to be secondary mourners compared to the parents. They are often forgotten about. I got these sibling facts from that site:

It’s the longest relationship we’ll have in our lives. We are typically only a few years apart when one is born and we become aware of each other. We usually know them longer than our parents, spouses, and children.

We witness more life events and life changes with our siblings than anyone else.

We share a sense of genetics, sense of family, belonging, and culture.

They teach us how to function in society and communicate with others.

The time spent together in our early years is greater than with our parents

Brandon left behind 4 siblings; Tara (24), Jenna (17), James (15), and myself. I often worry about Jenna and James because they are the youngest. I do not think that they talk about Brandon or suicide as much as they should to help them heal. I try to reach out to them and keep in constant contact with Jenna and James, but because of the age gap at this time, I don't think that they consider me to be "cool." With Brandon being their older brother, they might feel abandoned by him. I know Tara and I feel like that at times, but since they are younger, they probably feel it more. They looked up to him and I know they still hurt from this. We all grieve differently too. James found it comforting for a while to sleep in the basement at my grandparents. He would spend a lot of time down there, playing video games and what not. He said "he felt closer to Brandon being down there." I'm not sure that he still does this. Brandon spent a lot of time with his younger siblings, especially since they were all still living at home. Well James lives with his mom, but Brandon still would be there with James a lot. I want my siblings to feel included in this blog, so that they know they are not alone. The one thing that all of us do have in common, is that we keep our feelings to ourselves. I can talk openly about Brandon's death to some, but it is easier to talk to some one that understands. In the first year of his death, I would talk about him a lot. Now, I feel like I shut down and am not so open about it because I feel like people do not want to hear about this sad part of my life. Or I feel bad because I make them sad talking about it. Brandon's initials are tattooed on my wrist, to me this is a constant reminder of him and I think it has actually helped me in this healing process. People always ask me what it stands for, so I tell them, but I some days, I will say that my brother died because of an "accident." I still feel guarded about this part of my life and I think that I will always feel that way in a sense. It is a "normal" feeling from what I have read.

On another note, if anyone feels like sharing stories, feel free to leave comments or to e-mail me. I would even be happy to post your stories on the blog and I could keep it anonymous for you. I have received a few e-mails from people that would also like to help, so never hesitate to get a hold of me.

I figured that I would just post some pictures of Brandon for today.

What is a survivor of suicide?

"Time heals all wounds is not necessarily true for survivors of suicide. Time is necessary for healing, but time is not enough. Shared feelings enrich and lead to growth and healing"

A survivor of suicide is an individual who has lost someone in their life to suicide.
I didn't even know that this title even existed until I attended a Survivor of suicide support group. I went to this support group about 6 months following my brother's death. I found the group to be helpful because everyone there was going through the same exact thing. Some of the losses to suicide were recent, some were up to 8 years ago. I only went to the group one time and I am not sure if I will go back to one or not. I maybe was not ready at the time when I went because it was really sad and I think I might have cried the whole entire time that I was there. There is also a Survivors of Suicide website where you can get information and locate local support groups. Maybe one day I will attend another group.

Brandon's funeral services were the next Monday and Tuesday following his death. These days were also a complete blur to me. I do remember though that my heart was breaking over and over again from seeing how hurt the rest of my family was. My parents, grandparents, aunts, and cousins were all completely heartbroken and devastated.  My mom did not even move from the couch that was next to my brother's open casket. I think that a lot of my other family was right by there too, but I can't even remember. I, myself was completely numb and in shock. It was a living nightmare. Brandon did not even look like himself in his casket. He was gone. I remember thinking that it is just his body laying there, he is no longer here, when I looked at him. I found it hard to be by him at his viewing and kept my distance for the most part. His funeral service was perfect and was at the same church where I made my first Communion. Brandon was buried in the grave yard across the road from my grandparents next to Kinross Lake. I must have ran by that same grave yard over a 100 times before and never once thought that my brother would be layed to rest there one day.

The pain really set in after Brandon's funeral services. Going from always being surrounded by people to trying to go on with life, is seriously the worst part. The first year after the death is suppose to be the worst and I would definitely agree with that. I would often lose myself in a bottle of wine, read Brandon's e-mails, and look at his pictures. I was obsessed with finding a reason for why he did what he did.

A few months after his death, I  started having really bad nightmares about Brandon hanging himself and even other people that I knew doing the same thing. Being five hours away from home, I had a break down and needed to spend time at home with my family. That is how I ended up being a the support group. I didn't want to go to counseling, I already knew that what I was feeling was normal and part of the process. I didn't need some stranger to tell me that. The only thing that helped me feel better when I was down or depressed about my brother, was to be with my family or close friends. Feeling down or depressed happened very often in the first year. I found myself only wanting to be around the people that understood what I was going through, which was mostly my family. I made the trip home at least once a month, if not more. When I look back at these days in the first year of my brother being gone, I know for certain that I have come a very long way. And I definitely did not think I would be writing about it to help others.

I am very happy with my decision to write. I just posted my link to my blog yesterday and it already has already has had over 200 views. I was unsure how people would react or if they would even read it, so far I am very pleased with the outcome.

There is ALWAYS some one that cares

I did not get any sleep that night I found out about Brandon. The phone calls from my mom, dad, and sister made the news more realistic to me. We just sat on the phone and cried. The next morning, I drove the 5 hours home. This was a blur to me, but the phone calls, texts, and facebook messages that I was getting, made me realize that it really did happen. As I got closer to home, my anxiety intensified. My grandparent's house had always been home to me, but now it had just became the place where my brother took his life. I hate to say that, but I can never walk through the door of their house again without thinking about what happened there. It broke my heart even more to see my family in tears. We just couldn't grasp "why?"

The morning we went to the funeral home to make arrangements, it was the day of my 25th birthday. I think everyone in my family, including myself were like walking zombies. I had never felt so worn down and emotionally exhausted. My mom and dad were trying to decide on a coffin in the basement with the rest of the family and I nearly fainted because it was just too much to take in. I almost vomited in the basement in the funeral home, so I needed to get out of there.

My very good friend, Shannon had wanted to do something for me because it was my birthday regardless of the circumstances. She had my closest friends over to her house with food and drinks. It was kind of a relief to get away and try to do something "normal" that weekend. I'm very grateful for her and my other close friends that were there for me at this time. It's hard to find those friends that will drop everything just to be there for you. My child hood friends, Desi and Dani did just that. Dani called into work just so she could make it home. Desi had a 2 month old baby and was still there for me at the drop of a hat. She let me stay with her and sleep in her bed for a whole week straight. These kind of friendships are irreplaceable.

Even with the company of my family and friends, I still a woke in the middle of the night to my reality and cried myself  back to sleep for at least a week straight. I knew my life wouldn't ever go back to "normal", but I had to go back to living my life with an emptiness that will never be filled.

I remember being very defensive and protective about my brother's death, I still can be that way. I did not like how people gossiped and said "oh he killed himself over a girl" or "he had a really hard life growing up". Brandon did not just take his life because of a break-up. People that commit suicide do not just kill themselves over one event. Can one event push them to that point? Yes, but its a build up of numerous things that happen to them. He felt helpless and that he had no one to turn to. He felt like he couldn't deal with his problems and that no one was there to help him. He did feel like he lost the only person that was ever proud of him. He felt lost, He did not know where he belonged and did know where he fit in. I know for 100% fact that Brandon felt this way because I've read about it in his own words.

I hope no one ever has to feel this way. I hope that they can turn to someone to to talk to and find other solutions to their problems. Brandon was very important to all of his family and friends. He was a great person who could have done anything with his life. We all love and supported Brandon, its too bad that he didn't see it. That's what hurts the most, He didn't know how much everyone loved and cared about him. As one of Brandon's classmates wrote "When I seen your family, they were heartbroken more than the heartbreak that I saw when I looked at you on Thursday".

2 years, 3months, and 5 days later, our family still lives with the heartbreak of losing Brandon. He has many friends that love and miss him too. We miss him dearly. I know I wish that he would be here for my wedding and to be the uncle to my children one day. Taking your life is not worth hurting all the people in it and leaving them behind with pain and heartache of such a significant loss.

Reason for starting my blog

I have been trying to find a way to help others cope with losing a loved one from suicide. As a future Health Educator, I would also love to be an advocate for suicide prevention. I decided to start this blog so that I could use my own thoughts and experiences with suicide, to try to reach out to others. It will also help me get my thoughts out there, because I do feel like no one understands what I have been through or what I am still going through. You can not just "move on" and get over something like the death of a loved one from suicide. Suicide is a different type of grief for many people, mainly because you are left with feeling like"why?' or with feelings of guilt. There is also a stigma that goes with suicide, where people feel ashamed to talk about it or people look at it negatively because my brother is dead because he didn't want to live. They do not realize that people feel alone and feel like they have no one to talk to. Suicide happens when you least expect it and it can happen to any family.


I'll begin with telling you about what happened on October 15th, 2009.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and when I think of it, I get this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach that goes along with the memory. I had just moved to St. Clair Shores, MI. to start a new chapter in my life and work as a personal trainer. I had only been working at my new job for just over 3 weeks. October 15th fell on a Thursday that year. I remember going about my day as I had each day for the 3 weeks prior. I had a very good day at work and was pleased with how it went. I was staying with a friend of my grandparents until I could get settled in at my new job and find an apartment. I got home after 7 pm that evening and had a night planned of relaxing and watching Grey's Anatomy. I was doing just that when the daughter of the lady that I was staying with came over around 10 that night. I knew the daughter because she use to come up with her children to their cabin, which was located across the street from my grandparents house. So, I didn't find it odd that she was there or that she was wanting to call my grandma, right away. She came in the house, was very calm and was like "We need to call your grandma". I was like "OK, we can call her?" I was a bit confused and was not expecting to get the news that I did. I dialed my grandparents number and asked "Why do we have to call my grandma?" She said "It's about your brother. There is bad news" I do not remember if I even said "Hello" to my grandma on the phone or what was said but the only thing I remember hearing was her saying " Your brother hung himself tonight" It was like a million punches in the stomach. I couldn't breath and the only thing I could blurt out was "What, Why?"
I was in absolute disbelief. I just wanted to get in my car and go home. I was blind sided by this. I would have never thought my brother, Brandon, would do something like this. In my mind, I thought he was happy and had things figured out for himself. I stayed up that whole entire night crying and feeling helpless. I was the most heart broken I had ever been my entire life and could not imagine my life without ever being able to see Brandon again.  He was only 19 and had his whole life in front of him. He had a very pretty girlfriend, Leah, and he had plans to go to linesmen school in Georgia.

There is not a day that I do not think of Brandon. Not a day goes by where I don't feel the gut wrenching feelings of sadness or guilt. Guilt is the number one thing that constantly fills my emotions. Why couldn't I have helped him? Why was I not there like I was suppose to be?

The one thing that I have learned from this, that is for certain, is that I never want to feel this way again. Every time I hear about a young person ending their lives, it breaks my heart, for them and for their families. If I can reach out to people, even one person, so that their family will never have to go through what mine did, I will be satisfied. If I can help others cope with this type of loss, to know that they are not alone and that it is okay to talk about suicide, I will be grateful.

So my blogging has begun, I will share more stories about what I have been going through since my brother's death. They will not all be this sad and depressing. I might even share more stories about myself because "I am a survivor of suicide." and want to help others cope or to realize it is not worth it to hurt all your family and friends. Things do get better.