"Over you"

I know I have been seriously neglecting this blog lately, but I have been busy with my last 3 classes until graduation. I also made a spontaneous trip home to the UP this past weekend and got to catch up with family and friends. It was nice.

While I was up there my friend, Tara had mentioned Miranda Lambert's new song "over you" and that it reminded her of our friend Shannon,who passed away over a year ago to a bursting brain aneurysm. I have heard the song many times and liked it but I guess I never really payed much attention to the words until recently. The song was written for Miranda's husband, Blake Shelton, who's brother died in a car accident. Well, I heard this song on my way back downstate Monday morning and cried pretty hard.

This song pretty much puts some of my thoughts about death into perspective. Not death all together, but when a young person dies too soon. It reminds me of my friend and my brother, but has a different meaning for each one of them.

When I hear this song and think of my brother and hear the part "You went away. How dare you?" I think about how he made his own choice to leave us behind.

Then when I think of Shannon I feel sad because I miss her and it was just way too soon for her to go.

Here's the video with the lyrics:

I'm back from being MIA

Sorry I have been MIA for the past few weeks. I've been super busy. I finished up my classes and started my last 3 until I graduate. I also started substitute teaching which happened to have gotten me sick with strep throat all week. Little kids coughing and sneezing on you and passing on their germ is not fun. Not fun at all.


Today my brother has been gone for 2 years and 5 months. Its hard to believe it has been that long but at the same time it seems like a really long 2 years and 5 months. I have been thinking of my brother a lot today because it is a Thursday and it also falls on the 15th this month (he passed away on Thursday, October 15th). On days like today, I feel a little down because I miss him so much. I always try to keep optimistic  when it comes to my thoughts about Brandon, but I still have the days where I feel so sad. Another reason that I have been thinking about my brother a lot lately is because some of the younger boys at school remind me of him.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, I have recently started subbing. I sub for grades k-12. I have only subbed in the High School twice since I started but both times, I have thought of my Brother. Some of the students remind me of him and some make me wonder, are they going through hard times too? You can never tell, but I know how harsh kids can be to each other in High School. Of course it isn't just high school where students are harsh, there can be bullies in all grades. I think that I think of my brother's situation because these students are in the same adolescent age where they have to make big choices about college or different paths, some might have a hard time deciding where they fit in. I have realized that I would definitely love to talk to students about suicide as a preventative measure and I hope that I can help make a difference in their lives one day. When the time is right, I would love to use this blog and my story in the classrooms at schools to help prevent suicide.

If he had known..

Even though I believe that my brother is in a better place, I think he regrets doing what he did. Not because he isn't here anymore but because how badly he hurt everyone. I know he is gone and there is nothing that can be done now, but his family and friends still miss him dearly and have a hard time dealing with him being gone.
Brandon would not have wanted to leave my grandparents or father with the burden of finding him dead in their basement. They have to live with that vision for the rest of their lives. How they survived that heartache, I will never know. I have a hard enough time dealing with his death and I didn't even find him dead.
It has hurt me to see how heart broken my family and some of Brandon's friends are from what he did. I know he didn't mean to hurt everyone. He wasn't thinking how it would effect all of us. He just wanted to end his pain and turmoil that he had been feeling. We all know that when we deal with different types of heartache while growing up, that it takes time to heal. Then we look back at those situations, we are relieved that we made it through what we did.
Everyone who loved Brandon still has those days where we cry and miss him. I know I have had a lot of those days since October 2009. Most of those days followed in the first year of him being gone. I still get them, just not as frequently. Anything can set off those days, whether it is a song that reminds me of him or looking at a picture.
If Brandon would have known how badly he would hurt everyone, I think he would have done differently. He couldn't see past his suicide. He didn't think of the consequences of it. 
Brandon didn't mean to hurt everyone. If someone would have told him the damage he would cause by doing what he did, he would have questioned his decision.

The last time I seen my brother alive

The last time that I seen my brother alive was the day that I left to move down state to start my new job. I do not remember much but we were in my grandparent's kitchen. Brandon was making himself something to eat. Brandon loved to eat. I remember my dad use to yell at him because he would spend all his money on food (you're probably picturing a fat kid right now, but Brandon was far from fat). If I had known that was my last time seeing him, I would have said and done so much more . That's the thing, I didn't know I would never get to see him alive again.

A few weeks prior to this time though, Brandon had called me to see if I wanted to go stay the night out at our Uncle's cabin on Johnshon's Lake in Eckerman. It was Labor day weekend and it had always been kind of a tradition for some of our family to go camping. When he called to ask me, I didn't even hesitate. Normally, I would have had other things going on or busy with something else. The next morning, I met him and Leah out at my grandparents so that we could go for a night or 2. I had a good time that weekend. I got to spend some time with Brandon and Leah, but mostly with my other family because you know how teens are. I was too old for them to hang out with. We only ended up staying for one night, but I thought that weekend had brought me a little closer to Brandon. I liked his company and hanging out with him. I will never forget that weekend and the time I got to spend with him.  I can always picture Brandon sleeping in my passenger seat on the way home that weekend. I picture him with his dirty dusty swim trunks on. I will always cherish that last time out at Johnson's Lake. This was the first time since I had lived at home where we spent more than a few hours together.I had thought that it was the beginning of us starting to hang out more.

I have become better at making time for my family since Brandon's death. They are the most important thing and you need them as much as they need you. I do not want to look back and regret not spending enough time with them, like I do with Brandon. I always wish that I would have been closer to him and drilled him with questions like I now do with Jenna and James. His death has brought some of my family members closer, its too bad that it took something like this to make that happen.


A picture of us when we were kids out at Johnson's lake; Tara, Me, Brandon, and cousin Dillon

Signs kick..

I've been on a "signs" kick lately and wanted to share a few more stories that involve my younger cousins Aedan and Hudson, who are now 6 and 3. I haven't been posting much about suicide lately but these stories are important for the ones that have suffered this type of loss by giving them a sense of comfort.

Aedan and Hudson are my Aunt Holly's boys. They were 4 and 1 at the time my brother had passed. The day following my brother's death Aedan was curious why everyone was so sad. Tara had stayed the night at their house the night Brandon had died. Aedan kept asking my Aunt "Why are you sad, mom?" and wanted to know why she and everyone else was crying. She would tell him she was sad about Brandon and that he was no longer here with us. Aedan had responded to her saying "Mom, Don't worry about Brandon. Those angels came down from heaven and took him". We all know that a four year old has a hard time grasping the concept of someone dying. For him to say this was quite shocking for all of us. Sure,  my aunt had brought him to church but they didn't go on a regular basis at that time. One of the times that they did go after Brandon passed, Aedan had pointed at one of the Saint statues in the church and said "That is one of the ones that came down and got Brandon". I can't remember the name of the Saint at this time, but my grandma knows the name. There were times after Brandon died that Aedan would get sad and cry and tell my aunt that he was missing Brandon. My grandma had talked these incidents with someone that she knew from the church and they told her that for Aedan to have said what he did at such a young age, someone would have had to show him.

Hudson was only 1at the time when Brandon died. When we would show him a picture of Brandon, he would point at it and say "B. Happy" then he would kiss the picture. The first time we seen him do this, our eyes filled up with tears. This happened within the first after Brandon passing. He would point at his grave site and say the same thing "B. Happpppy"

I don't know how they knew these things but they had to have picked it up from some where. I'm not sure if Brandon was the one who went to them and some how showed them these things to relay the information to help us, but I feel like it was another one of his signs for us.

What happens when you die?

Ever wonder what happens when we die? I kind of got obsessed with wanting to know what happens, but the answer is, no one really knows.
 So I just bought a book off amazon written by John Edward called "Crossing Over". The price of the book was 10.17 (my birth date) so I figured that was my sign that I should purchase it. There are stories from people that have experienced life after death in this book. John Edward, the writer, is a psychic medium who can supposedly communicate with the deceased. I'll let you know what I gain from it after I finish reading it.

I believe in god and after life, but its the fact that I do not know what happens that scares me. After Brandon and my friend Shannon passed away, I wondered what happened to them. Do their spirits wander around us or is there another world in which they live a.k.a Heaven? Do they become ghosts or do they become guardian angels?

Well I am going to share a story that is proof that there is another world around us, which we do not see. I do not think what I seen or experienced is a good thing but I wanted to share because it still amazes me.

I was up in the UP, visiting about a year ago. Tara, James and I decided to go stay with my mom for the night. My sister, Jenna, had invited my cousins Taylor and Amber over, plus 2 of her friends Cody and Casey. I picked up my cousin Taylor to bring her with us. She had brought her new game wtih her that she was all excited about. It was called "Psychic Circle". As soon as I looked at it I was like "Um, you can't have that in my car". I was very skeptical about the game, as we all were. I didn't think it would be anything like a weegie board. I went out to the store to get a few things because I planned on staying at my mom's and hanging out all night. When I returned, Tara and Amber had started to mess with this psychic circle board. They were just asking it simple questions like; "What is my zodiac sign" or "What is my birthday". Surprisingly, it was answering them correctly. It was really strange though when they asked it how many people were in the house and it said "9". There were only 7 of us there at the time but later on it turned out to be 9. Crazy. My mom was like "you guys should not be playing with that game, so put it away".
Well several hours later, after Tara, My mom, and I had a few drinks I went up to see what was going on in Jenna's room with her friends. James had suggested they get the board back out and check it out. So Jenna,
Cody, Taylor, and Amber started playing it again. Cody was very skeptical and was like "this does not work". So his first question was "What is my name?" The thing replied really quickly spelling out C-O-D-Y. Then they asked it "Should we play you?" and it spelled out "Yes. Play." They asked how many of us were in the room and it told us 8. Which was correct. Then my mom came up to see what we were doing. They asked "How many of us are in the room now?" It said 9. Then they asked "Who just walked into the room?" It spelled out "M-O-M". Cody asked "Is Brandon with us tonight?" The board responded by going to the protector and guardian angel sign. There were a few other signs but I can't remember what they were exactly, but the board wouldn't give a straight answer. At this point we all were just in shock with what we were seeing. Whatever was making the board move seemed  to be getting mad because the cursor on the board was moving pretty fast at this point. No other questions were even asked before it started to spell out "Mom don't cry. New Life. Baby Emery". We were completely freaked out. The 4 playing the board were spinning around in a circle. It was complete craziness. A few of us got upset over this statement because baby Emery had just been born about a month prior. He was my first cousin's baby. I made the statement from the bible "Whatever is here, is no longer welcome here. In Jesus's name". Even though I had been drinking, I was very stern with this statement and stood behind my believes in it.
Oddly enough, they tried to get it to play again but it wouldn't. It kept spelling out "Goodbye" after they attempted to play it 3 more times. Talk about the creepiest thing that I have ever witnessed in my life. I was so freaked out. I'm not sure how I even slept that night.

That night, something proved to all 9 of us that there is a world that we can not see. Whatever it was that was communicating with us, was not good. In the bible it states that the dead are not suppose to communicate with us in that way. They can leave signs, but they are not suppose to speak to us in ways of using those types of boards. I do not think it was my brother. It was something evil trying to mess with us.

On another note, I would not advise trying one of these boards. They are completely creepy and let evil things in.I just wanted to share the story as proof that there is something else amongst us that we can not see or hear.

Positive Thinking

The only thing that brought me through Brandon's death was thinking positive and knowing he was in a better place, plus a few other things:

The months after his death, I was numb and it shock. I couldn't believe that it had happened. It was just hard to grasp. I went through feelings of depression and feelings of wanting to be gone just like he was. I don't think I was any where near suicidal, but I felt like if I were gone too, this would be so much easier to deal with. I had nights for months afterwards where I would wake up multiple times in the middle of the night. I never really slept good, so I always kept the TV on at night. Then when I started to sleep better, I started to have the nightmares. The nightmares were not about my brother, they were about what he did. Death alone scares me so suicide, was even scarier. The thought of what he did haunted me. It's hard to imagine how sad and hopeless one must feel to be so self-destructive. The things that made me feel better and get through this loss were; Running, working out, friends, family, wine, and constantly reminding myself that Brandon was in a better place.

I really do believe he is some where better. The first dream that I had of Brandon was almost 3 months following his death. In this dream, I was at a house full of his friends and our brother, James was there. I was afraid of Brandon and kept avoiding him during the beginning of this dream. I knew that I shouldn't be seeing him and it kind of scared me. He would just look up at me with a huge grin on his face and kept walking by me. I had even asked James "Do you see Brandon here too?" James looked at me like I was an idiot and replied "Yeah." Finally, I went up to Brandon and hugged him. I was crying pretty hard while he just held me. We sat down next to each other to talk. The only thing I remember from the conversation was asking Brandon while I was still crying "Don't you want to be back with us?" He said " No. It's okay. I get to see you guys all the time."

As sad as I was in the dream, when I woke up, I felt really happy. I felt like I finally knew he was happy and was still around us. This was his sign to me, amongst many other ones that he has given my family and I.

On All Saints Day, a day that followed a month after Brandon's death, my family went and prayed at Brandon's grave. They went there in the evening and lit a candle for him. This candle stayed lit for 2 days following that evening, through snow and wind. The candle was not even in a holder. How it stayed lit for that many days? I have no idea, but again, I think it was his sign to let us know that he was okay.

When I think of these events, they remind me that Brandon is okay and sorry for hurting us. We may not get to see him anymore, but his soul still lives amongst us.